I sometimes wonder, how much has being trans defined me? And… to be honest… I don’t think it defined me any more than other profound elements of my life did. Like being abandoned at birth, growing up with highly incompetent and immature adoptive parents, being told i was adopted very late when I was 20, searching for my birth parents and for belonging my entire life, being abandoned by my birth mother again after I found her…
All of this was massive… and being trans was just one more layer added on top of everything else.
This picture. This is my essence. And no matter what cards I was given, I’ve made a good life for myself. When I initially left Germany at age 18, it was more of an escape from a toxic environment I just couldn’t continue living in. I became an emotional refugee of sorts and removed myself geographically from circumstances which were bound to destroy me if I didn’t. For the next two decades, I went in search of home and belonging around the globe.
At first my adventurous endeavours were driven by necessity. But slowly they became a way of life I wouldn’t want to miss now. Through it all, I accumulated precious life experiences I would have never made had I not tackled the unknown over and over again. On this path, I also began to understand who I really am.
So much of this wasn’t easy. Especially in my formative years, much of it was traumatizing. Later on, my automatic trauma responses (which I did not yet understand) often led to further trauma.
However, no matter how alone and lost I felt at times, I never let any of it defeat me. I never stopped to create a meaningful, soulful life for myself. A life removed from stereotypes and the expectations of others.
I sometimes forget how much I’ve managed to not just survive but thrive (and grow), no matter the odds that were stacked against me. I love what I’ve made of my life and who I have become, and I have every intention to keep on growing and exploring!