This morning, I drove to my dad’s apartment in Germany.
I left Zurich at 5:30 am.
On the highway, this triggered memories of a similar morning.
The morning of 20th of July 2026, when I also headed over to papa’s place at the exact same time. And found him helpless on the floor in the toilet, unable to get up, yet unwilling to press the emergency button around his neck for an ambulance. Instead, he put his entire trust in me and waited until I arrived.
The moment when I opened his front door and found him was so heartbreaking. He was still conscious but so very weak and his body was so thin, reduced almost to nothing.
Remembering this, I broke out in tears this morning on the highway. I let them flow. I let myself feel the grief and pain and talked to my papa. I cried, howled, and screamed into the music I was listening to. Tears flowing… tears that hadn’t flowed for a while now, because I had tried so hard to be strong all the time.
It felt good to break down. Necessary. Relieving.
I miss you dad. I love you.
Arriving in Germany, I felt even more horrible, because today was the day papa’s apartment was going to be emptied out. I had hired a company to do this. All his favorite things, his beloved furniture, clothes, all the things he’d felt comfortable with for so many years… all was cleared away and thrown into a truck in an unbelievably short amount of time. It took only 3 hours to erase all his material possessions from this world. I felt so sad and guilty about it. But I also had to remind myself that these were just the material things. And that, of those, I had taken and preserved all the things that reminded me the most of him. The personal, intimate mementos and little items.
Most importantly, his legacy lives on in me, in who I am (because he probably shaped me even more than I am aware), and in my memories of him, the good and the not so good.
Still, emptying out his home today was so very hard to do. Such a final step. But one that needed to be done, nevertheless.
In the photo, it’s me in his bedroom… before his bedroom ceased to exist… thinking of you papa… so very much.